Demand More For Yourself
Demanding more for yourself is really just a process of working on your self esteem, and learning to value yourself more. It starts as a quiet process from within; reviewing your life and asking yourself whether or not you are happy with the way things are going. How are you being treated in your relationships? Are you reaching your fullest potential? Are you valued at work? Do you value yourself?
Maybe the answer is no. Maybe it’s shocking. Perhaps it isn’t that bad. For me it was bad for a long time and my soul was restless. The voice from within gradually got louder and louder until it became almost unbearable for me to stay the same. Action needed to be taken. I had to change.
Most of the time we don’t make changes, aspire for more or dream big because we don’t think that a better life is possible for us. We see good things happening to other people sometimes, and think, “oh, they are just special. I’m not special. I could never do that. Life is unfair for me.” And we tell ourselves these stories over and over until it becomes like a script we can recite off by heart. We never stop to ask why we can’t have more. We just go along with it.
I was one of those people; always getting the short end of the stick and thinking I deserved it. I’ve always been known as a dreamer amongst my friends and family but felt shame in wanting more, and wanting to be more and do more than those around me. When I started Femme lots of people laughed at me (and now I laugh at the thought of them laughing at me.) When I’ve told anyone of any of my plans at any point in time; there has always been someone who has sniggered and looked at me as if I was a 5 year old that knows nothing of the ways of the world. I’ve struggled with doubt all of my life because of this. My intuition has told me to do things, go to places and walk down the paths less taken over and over. Security has never been guaranteed. My dreams were never guaranteed. But I always felt that I at least had to try, and I am so glad I did because my leaps of faith have paid off in big ways.
Every time I have left a relationship, a friendship or a job that was no longer serving me; I have never once regretted it. Ever. I definitely have felt doubt and anxious afterwards, but as time has gone by I’ve always felt much happier and free, and because of this, new and better opportunities have been able to present themselves to me because I made space for more.
We have to demand more for ourselves. We can’t tell ourselves that we will never get anywhere, that things cannot get better and then expect the world to hand us the very opposite of that. Ever heard of the Law of Attraction? The world acts accordingly. There are those of us that tell ourselves that anything is possible; that we can have and be more than we are now - and so it happens. It isn’t sheer luck. It isn’t because we are better than anyone else, or more equipped. It is because we actively choose to believe in that reality and so the world has to shift and reflect that back to us. We tell ourselves that more exists and so we become able to perceive new opportunities and experiences. If the script you tell yourself is one of lack, you will only be looking for more lack to prove to yourself that you can’t have more.
DREAM BIGGER. Be a dreamer. Your world is your masterpiece. It can look however you want it to look. You are creating right now, with every bad thing you tell yourself and with everything you choose to settle for. So choose something else for yourself. Create a better reality! It might take some time; especially if like me you had a lot of self limiting beliefs before. Especially if all of your life you’ve been told that you can’t have more and that the world is a nasty, horrible place. Commit to unlearning these things, and I can promise you that a year from now, everything will looking different.
Here is a video I filmed, talking about this topic, and below are a few recommendations for books, meditations and therapeutic tools I use to practice changing my belief systems. You don’t have to learn how to love yourself in a day. But by doing something for yourself every day, and committing to a better you; you’ll naturally start to feel much more love and gratitude towards yourself for taking the time to aspire to more.
Book Recommendations:
Women Who Love Too Much - Robin Norwood.
This book will slap you in the face lol. Nearly all of my close friends have read it now. It’s hard to swallow, and forces you to look at your behavioural patterns and take responsibility for your part in choosing bad relationships. She talks about why we often find comfort in bad relationships, and how it often links back to childhood. I was having counselling at the time of reading this book and it was a VERY triggering hahaha. I would highly recommend it though.
The Mastery of Love - Don Miguel Ruiz
This is my favourite book ever. I read it in January this year and it has become my bible. I borrowed it to my friend Daisy who then read it, got her own copy and bought another one of his books called The Four Agreements. We’ve decided to start a Don Miguel Ruiz book club because we love him so much!
This book is definitely on the more spiritual side, and if you aren’t into spirituality you might struggle to understand some of the things he talks about, but for me personally, spirituality has been one of the biggest factors in my self healing journey and so to read about love described in the way Don Miguel Ruiz writes about it, was a dream. It is so truly beautiful. I keep it by my bed side table.
The Power of Now & A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle
Most people have heard of The Power of Now. I read it many years ago and have reread it so many times in my life. This is another one I’ve passed around to friends. When I was 16 and learning about spirituality, yoga and mindfulness; this book awakened me to so many things I had never even thought about before. If you’re looking to expand your mind, this is a great place to start. A New Earth is even more in depth, but I would recommend reading The Power of Now first.
Big Magic: Creative Living Beyond Fear - Elizabeth Gilbert
This is a book that I always recommend to people who are wanting to do creative things but feel too scared. This book straight up changed my life. I read it, and a week later I started Femme. Elizabeth Gilbert is the author of Eat, Pray, Love (a film I hated), but I am such a massive fan of her. I listen to a lot of her podcasts and watch a lot of her interviews on YouTube and find her to be massively inspirational. This book not only inspired me to follow my creative pursuits but also to stop living in fear all together. 10/10 would highly recommend.
Meditations, affirmations, etc:
Here are a list of guided meditations, self affirmations and practices I do on a daily basis that have helped me over the years to reprogram my mind. These practices are great to commit to if therapy/counselling isn’t something accessible to you.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iRnbKWapfEM - Morning Gratitude Meditation
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UgFjIQSX2c4 - Louise Hay: You Are What You Think
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kyPvfDV1Z-s&t=958s - Manifestation Visualisation
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XlLqvYiMiss - Reprogram Your Mind Whilst You Sleep
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=63_8-pZ0Vl0 - Self Love Affirmations
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9jv5qRne8Tw - EFT (tapping therapy) !!!
Here are just a few of my recommendations. I can make a separate post/video talking about all of the things that have helped me in more detail. I hope though by these lists you can see that I really had to do the work to change how I felt about myself. It isn't an overnight process; it’s a commitment to living better. I decided I was worthy of all that I wanted and so I continued to show up for myself everyday. I am not any more special than you are. I just made different choices and you can too!
I hope you find this all beneficial,
Khaya xox